1) Don't sing if you aren't one of the dudes on stage getting paid to do it. Nobody paid their hard-earned money to hear your dorky, untalented ass sing. We came to hear the dudes on stage sing. Paying 40 bucks to go see Tool, but instead of hearing Maynard, you get the dorkus malorkus with mad zits standing next to you singing "Sober" really loudly and out of key in your ear is enough to murder mother fuckers for.
Umm....really? I mean, it is kinda annoying when someone next to you is crazy off-key, but really? I sing every word as loud as I possibly can. Also, I've never been to a show where the crowd drowned out the band over the soundsystem. What shows do these people attend, anyway?
3) This is possibly the oldest rule in the book… yeah, you know what we're talking about… don't be THAT guy. We KNOW you like the band, that's why you're here, you don't need to wear their SHIRT to their show as well.
WHOA. Probably about 3/4 of the people at a concert are wearing merch of the band that's playing. Why the hell is this an issue? I've always thought it was pretty natural to wear a band's shirt to their shows.
6) Dancing is ok, as long as you don't get all fruity. Air-instruments are NOT ok. That includes: air-guitar, air-drums, air-microphone, air-keyboards, and yes even the air-bass. Don't get me started on air-saxophone.
Yeah. Because we all go to concerts to stand against the wall with our hands in our pockets. Why would someone want to move at a concert? The nerve!
8) Don't be the buff steakhead dudes in the Jeep blasting Radiohead as you leave (or enter) the parking lot of the Radiohead show. WE KNOW YOU LIKE THE BAND! THAT'S WHY YOU ARE AT THE @#%$ SHOW CHAMP! HOW MUCH OF ONE BAND DO YOU REALLY NEED?! Actually just don't be the four buff guys in the Jeep at the show… period. This rule applies to everybody. You don't need to listen to the band you're going to see on the way to seeing them.
Ok, when I am going to a concert, I listen to that band for at least the week leading up to it, I blast it from my speakers on my way to the gig, I blast it as I leave the gig, then I usually listen to that band for at least a week after the gig. You're going to the damn show because you like the band. This one is just stupid. Plus, if I wanna wear them out, that's my business.
13) Don't be that fat lame bitch that gets crushed at the front of the stage at the barrier. Every time there's a real big show, some grotesquely fat chick thinks it would be swell to get as close to the singer of Blink182 as possible, and that nobody else there has the same idea. 3 songs into the set, the bouncers have to pull her obese fainting ass over the barricade. Don't be this pathetic piece of pasty lard.
Do I really need to say anything about this one? What an asshole.
19) No crying.
When something unbelievably wonderful and beautiful happens at a show, dammit, I'm gonna cry, and I don't give a rat's ass if you don't like. Muse played an amazing and beautiful rarity when I saw them a couple of weeks ago. Did I cry? Yes. And I wasn't the only one.
20) When there's a brand new band that a lot of people seem real excited about that features ex members of other cool bands or something, and they don't have any releases out yet, just a demo, or a couple mp3's on their website or something, don't be the jackass at the front of the stage singing all the words. Yeah, yeah, we know you're the geeky super fan who likes these guys way more than everybody else. Just stop it cos you're making everybody want to vomit with your over apparent super fan enthusiasm.
HOW DARE YOU BE A FAN! STOP IT!! THAT'S NOT ALLOWED! STOP HAVING A GOOD TIME!! THERE IS NO FUN IN THE NO FUN ZONE!!
There were many other rules on this list, but those were the ones that really got under my skin. I bet this guy is the best concert buddy ever.
He sounds like a really swell guy.
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